John Moses Browning, that is. From Theo Spark and very funny! Excerpt:
h/t Say Uncle.
And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle. And they didst chamber it for cartridges whose calibers startith with numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm.
h/t Say Uncle.
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4 comments:
Good one and oh so true!
Can I get an Amen.
Turk, that's abridged. Here's the Complete verse.
Chapter 1.
1) In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was
good. And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's
design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of
his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.
2) And shouldest thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements
upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have
malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.
3) And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget
the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the
gamesmen did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the
1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to
their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.
4) Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and
did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans
didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly
field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts
didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.
Chapter 1. (Contd.)
5) And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination
unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need
true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their
enemies in the great battle. (a)
6) And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by
man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the
abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.
7) Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the
underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring
forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt
like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the
plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.
8) And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these
plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to
muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.
9) And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst
both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear
safe.
10) But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst
proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger
cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence
which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new
pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they
themselves had committed.
11) And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord
of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend
upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And
there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.
12) Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man
was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his
messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of
the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper
configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as
the prophet had intended.
13) And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners
from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil
spirits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and
who were sent to the place of eternal d**nation ( B ) by the followers of
John.
(a) Several old manuscripts add the following text. "And they [also rendered
as "these men"] didst chamber it for cartridges who's calibers startith with
numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief
amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these
lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm."
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