Why is next week special?

Here's a hint.

A Brit Joins The NRA

No clue. No clue at all.

They have a cursory look at my driving licence, then ask me to select my weapon. I've no idea. "A small one. For an idiot," I offer.

What I get is a 45 that shoots nine-millimetre bullets (mostly in the wrong direction, it turns out, but that's me not the gun). It's alarmingly heavy and complicated. Even loading the weapon requires thumb strength and dexterity I seem to lack. After the fourth time of showing me how it is done, my guide loses patience. "You left-handed?" he asks. "Or just retarded?"

Pork Dillingers, Anyone?

Liartown.

h/t boing-boing.

French Maid With A .50 BMG

Don't mess with her.

h/t The Gun Wire.

Mete The Press

Wayne LaPierre to David Gregory:

“We're in the District of Columbia right now, and possession of that magazine is illegal, even if it's not loaded. Even if it's not connected to a gun. It's still illegal. But you won't be charged, and do you know why? It's because you're white. If Ice-T was holding that magazine, he would be in jail before this program was off the air.”

           - I made that up, but wouldn't it be great if life were really like that?

ETA: I just realized that Matt G had a similar thought before I did. Hell, I'm gettin' old.

Capitalism's Ultimate Triumph

Mayor Mike Makes A Mis-step

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has likened a teachers' union to the NRA:

Of all the polarizing things Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg has said and done over the years, from banning large sugary drinks to supporting congestion pricing, few have generated the sort of viral backlash that has unexpectedly mounted after his weekly radio show on Friday.

The mayor had embarked on a lengthy stream of consciousness on the need to negotiate a new teacher evaluation plan with the United Federation of Teachers. Toward the end, Mr. Bloomberg, almost as an aside, likened the teachers’ union to groups like the National Rifle Association and others in which he said a few leaders were out of sync with large numbers of rank-and-file members. 

NYT.

This is the same union that was once headed by Albert Shanker. He attained immortality when he was the butt of a famous joke in Woody Allen's movie Sleeper. The hero is transported into a dystopian future. When he asks what happened to the world as he knew it, he is told, "Our history books tell us that the old world was destroyed when a man named Albert Shanker got hold of a nuclear warhead."

For his part, Shanker is said to have loved the joke.

Bored

Reading a humor article in the New Yorker. A reminiscence (I'll spell-check that later) of a 17-year old boy who had a torrid affair with 77-year old Ayn Rand:

Anyone who knew Ayn knew that she was not big on sniveling. But I was devastated. We'd often talked about "stopping the engine of the world." Well, now she had stopped the engine of my heart. So, yes, I sniveled a bit. Although, in keeping with my Objectivist principles, when I sniveled, I did it in my room, while keeping my face as impassive and noble as I could. Or sometimes I'd call Alan Greenspan, and he'd go, "Oh, you too, eh?"

Yeah, I know. Reading the New Yorker at the NRA Range. I'll pay dearly for this.

Sent from my iPhone

There's One Less Bozo On This Bus

Firesign Theater's Peter Bergman died yesterday.

A close friend encouraged him to write his autobiography:

"Pete, you're the 'Zelig' of the rock era! You've been in a film with Jean-Paul Belmondo and Farrah Fawcett. You coined the term "love-in." You smoked a joint with Bob Marley and the Wailers when they were your opening act [True, the Wailers opened for Procter and Bergman in Boston. Pete told me the joint was "arm-sized"!]. You guys gigged with the Buffalo Springfield. You've worked with Spike Milligan, and now here you are with Albert Ayler, for god's sake! I mean, come on! You have to do this!"

You Learn Something New Every Day

Most days, anyway.

Today's bon mot is callipygian.

Definition: having well-shaped buttocks.

Usage: "Gwyneth Paltrow is an outspoken fan, and the famously callipygian television personality Kim Kardashian makes frequent requests for free Spanx. "It just really smooths everything out," she told me."

From an article in the New Yorker about Spanx.

Sent from my iPhone

Couch Gag Thrills Nation

The Simpsons' 500th show open, in slomo.

Neatorama.

Best Granny Ever!

I can't vouch for this but it's funny. It's making the rounds on the Internet, not for the first time, perhaps.

She's God's Girlfriend; You'd Think She'd Be Happy

What chance do the rest of us have, mere mortal men?

Funny story by Simon Rich.

Obituaries

I make obituaries for TV now and then, so when a particularly good one comes along, I take notice. I hope that you will not think me too morbid if I admit to a small collection of my favorites.

The death of Christopher Hitchens on Thursday brought this to mind. A famous (or infamous) atheist, he was once asked if, as he breathed his last, we might expect a deathbed conversion.

I sympathize afresh with the mighty Voltaire, who, when badgered on his deathbed and urged to renounce the devil, murmured that this was no time to be making enemies.

And on Tuesday, the advertising executive Edie Stevenson passed away. She wrote the well-remembered TV commercial for Quaker cereal, "Three Brothers" in which the older boys conspire to use the youngest brother as a guinea pig when their mother serves a new breakfast cereal. “Let’s get Mikey. He won’t eat it. He hates everything.” Then the best line, "He likes it! Hey, Mikey!"

And from Ms. Stevenson's obit in the NYT:

In addition to her daughter, she is survived by her longtime partner, Gordon H. Price; two sisters, Daphne Stevenson Penttinen and Adelita Stevenson Moore; three sons, Steven, David and Donald Mann; and five grandchildren.

She also leaves a cat, Mikey.

But my favorite obit of all is Madeleine Pelner Cosman, a medieval studies expert and professor who passed away on March 2, 2006. From her obit in the NYT:

Ms. Cosman's husband, Bard, a plastic surgeon whom she married in 1958, died in 1983. Survivors include a daughter, Marin, of Scarsdale, N.Y.; a son, Bard, of La Jolla, Calif.; and four grandchildren. Information on other survivors could not be confirmed.

Ms. Cosman also leaves behind a vast library of illuminated manuscripts and a large collection of handguns.

Lest We Forget

Seen on gawker.com.

Lebowski Fest

Hilarious bunch of fans, fanatics and lookalikes.

Special Graphics Filter Reveals

So, what was in those 900 pages of heavily-redacted documents that the ATF sent to Congress?



Thought so!

h/t Say Uncle.

Mosquitos

I'm reading "The Traveller's Tree" by Patrick Leigh Fermor, a reprint of his 1950 account of a voyage through the Caribbean. Staying at the Hotel des Antilles in Guadeloupe, he was besieged by insects, even under mosquito nets, and wrote,

Joan's plan - still, alas! as I write, no more than a plan - of sleeping chained to a chameleon seems to be the only practical way of neutralizing the unceasing siege of the insect world. With this alert little basilisk camped on one's bosom, suitably camouflaged to melt into the slumberwear; prepared, at the faintest buzz in the surrounding ether, to fire half a yard of tongue at the foe, and swallow it without blinking an eye, one might snore the night peacefully through. Not otherwise.

Delightful book, so far, but contemporary readers might be a little put-off by the author's attempts at amateur ethnology.

Why Wasn't I Told?

You might enjoy this article from the Feb/Mar 2010 issue:

Fetch Daddy A Drink: How To Apply Gun-Dog Training Methods To Your Children
by P.J. O'Rourke

Further This Respondent Sayeth Not

Overheard at the outdoor flea market at the Dayton Hamvention:

Turk: "Check out that great-looking 19" Bud equipment cabinet."

Roberta X: "I wish I had a rack like that!"

Turk: "#%*?@!"